How much would you have paid to watch me kick a pit bull in the heart?

Or How to Meet Women the Grouchosuave Way

12:30 am, a late Sunday evening in the warehouse: barefoot, on the couch letting sleep creep over me, I hear screamming from the parking lot, a woman screaming repeatedly “Hugo!! Stop!! NooNooNoo!!” These female screams escalate in that way that triggers total alarm and a primal part of my male brain. The intensity and pitch telling me ‘no time for shoes’, I manage to grab my framing hammer as I book down the hallway at a full run. I pass one of our lesser neighbors, “the Target,” in the hallway as I sprint towards the parking lot.

The scene: She sobs and begs nearly hysterically. The male pit bull she was babysitting and her Husky mix “Hugo” thrash as they keep their jaws locked onto each others throats. Her male roomie and the Target shuffle stupidly as I snap my head back and forth looking for a garden hose or a broom handle. (I learned the “Don’t Jump Into a Dogfight Barehanded” lesson about 20 years ago; An emergency room story for another time…)

I register her sobs and screams but I am barely even thinking or using language anymore… I’m kicking the pit in the heart at every opening just trying to get it to flinch and release… Surreal, looking for openings to swing the hammer and trying to choose which animal to smash in the head… I want to kick these stupid humans just as much, as they continue to either freakout and/or just do nothing but apparently, enjoy watching me do battle barefooted with two purposely bred fighting animals.

Salient highlights:

  • Me to Target: ” Get useful! Get me a bucket of water!… Yeah, motherfucker! Abuketoffukkingwater!!!!”
  • Target (finally with dishpan of water): “What do I do? Throw it?” No, dipshit. You place it on the ground , kneel, then use it to wash your useless hands of the whole matter. What the fuck??!!?? “Throw it right on their faces, man!!” [Upon which, dogs instantly break – I chase pit off at a run back into the building.]
  • Me to her roomie: “That your pit man? ‘Cuz if it is, if I ever see it off-leash ever again I will walk up and shoot it in the fucking head!!” It wasn’t his dog and I then apologized for aforementioned ripping of new asshole and my promise of firearm play and pet execution.
  • Me to the assembled, after it all: “You just don’t put two strange males together like that, especially without a leash in sight.” “Oh no, they have been fixed and everything…” “No. “ “But…” “No.”
  • …And there were plenty of other peevish and crapulent things said by the Target and his erstwhile girlfriend/handler, but rest assured they were efficiently admonished and/or ignored in a stylish fashion.


  • Many humans are useless.
  • I am not useless.
  • I like a good fight.

~ by grouchosuave on September 8, 2007.

4 Responses to “How much would you have paid to watch me kick a pit bull in the heart?”

  1. I’ve always been proud to have you as a friend.

  2. Wide eyed and panting barefoot in a midnight parking lot with a hammer screaming at hippies…sweet!

  3. I almost named a price for what I would pay to see that… but since I live at **** and have seen this happen before with the same useless neighbors, I was just glad I wasn’t there. And relieved that no dogs we care about were involved. Put your dogs on a leash you worthless, no good, retarded ass clowns.
    Framing hammer: $40
    Rent in a run down Oakland warehouse: $1.00 sq ft
    Seeing your neighbor run like a bat-out-of-hell down the hallway, barefoot, wielding said framing hammer: Priceless

  4. I’d like to put two strange males together if I were holding the leash

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