Garbled Transmissions and Rabbit Physics

[ Note: The following fragments were pieced together from heavily encrypted and damaged files received on our secret squirrel microwave comm array. Or else they were transcribed from a collage of scribble on TP squares spitpasted to our ceiling mirror… I forget which.]

“Being Friday night and because we are natural adventurers, the FeldMarshall and I continued our bold exploration of the Beer-Movie Continuum. The beer: Tecate. The movie: Waterworld. It was a “down” night, a night to lay off the mystery alkaloids we found on that dead guy by the railroad tracks, so we only drank 17 beers. We are adventurers to be sure because while we were bandaging………..

Wooden Cinematic Albatross

Costner where he belongs


“…… Man, Kevin Costner sucks! His blandness inspires only rage in me.. How is it that he has gotten this far with….

“… you know women aren’t idiots and…

“That voice! No timbre, no rise and fall, no emphasis, no inflection, no nothing; It’s like I’m listening to a male robot tell me the time in Esperanto …

“… [ indecipherable profane screaming ] … and be so popular? I don’t get it.”

“Well, he is ‘just like your husband’ except that he is sensitive and he’s in the movies which just automatically makes him hot.” “Oh so he is the height of emotional availability by being a boring retard?” “Yeah, exactly.”

“I think the stunt coordinator wrote the script.”

Competing for our attention was the newest addition to our warehouse menagerie:

Introducing Templeton the rabbit

Not out of focus; he really is that fuzzy.

Since our crawdads died, we have had only 4 cats, 2 ferrets and 1 big silly dog in the warehouse. Fresh blood and another species was needed: enter Templeton the rabbit. With our expert supervision, he was allowed out and about it being a party night and all.

  • Templetonian physics: rabbits can’t seem to grasp anything beyond a 4 or 5 foot radius; the boundaries of the universe are defined by the edges of the couch or the pool table or his cage – whatever small dimension to which he is transported and gets to crap all over.
  • We really like Templeton.
  • We’re gonna get Templeton his own MySpace page. He is furry with an IQ of about 7 so we think he will do quite well in that arena
  • During an unguarded moment, Templeton ate half the buttons off the remote.

At first, I thought the FeldMarshall had destroyed them while filing and grinding away on his latest insane arts-and-warcrafts project (Apparently the couch is now one of his workstations.) As a master of improvised technology (see “janktification”), it was quite likely that he had used the remote as a toolrest or grinder brake. But no, it was the rabbit not the roommate. Whoops.

Y’know, Waterworld deserves no further attention. Yup, that’s right, Mr. Costner, you wooden cinematic albatross: you have been aced out by a rabbit.

A small rabbit.



  • Parting Shot

Not a toy no matter how fun it looks

“Beauty is in the eye of the reloader.”



~ by grouchosuave on February 10, 2007.

6 Responses to “Garbled Transmissions and Rabbit Physics”

  1. Jealousy never ceases to amaze me. It disgusts me, but it doesn’t surprise me anymore. Perhaps women see in Mr. Costner, everything wonderful that they don’t see in you. Such is life and getting one wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
    The man has talent, charisma and he has a beautiful shy handsomeness about him. He is very much a man, but also gentle, tender and kind. So much a man of incredible character that the chances of him ever behaving as pathetically as this are beyond slim to none.
    You don’t like him, watch something else and deal with it.

  2. Hah! All right! The first all out ad hominem attack on me! I don’t like Kevin Costner so I have no life and no character and am merely jealous and pathetic – is that it? You have no idea what his character is like because you DON’T KNOW HIM FROM ADAM! You are a fan who has taken a phrase from one of his movies, taken it as your own name and has chosen to worship a completely fictional artifice: the celebrity, the most cynical, edited and murky of shadows on Plato’s proverbial cave wall.

    “You don’t like him, watch something else and deal with it.”

    Best of all, you invoke subjectivity, demonstrate your own and then abuse me for doing the same. Beautiful. You almost hurt my feelings until I used my brain. Tell me, how much character does it take to anonymously insult someone you don’t know at all?

    Wait a minute… this comment is just too insane and perfect…IS THIS A JOKE?! Julia, did you write this? If so – GOOD ONE!! I’m gonna get you back, sweetheart.

  3. you know i remember when this move water world came out. i also remember Mr. Costner writing a letter to KFOG begging “the KFOG listeners” to see the movie and not to listen to the reviews. as it a BIG FAT FLOP. ( you might be asking your self what the hell was carchiba doing listening to KFOG. well let me just say i was working in a computer lab on a roll out at chevron oil with some Hippies in dockers. was hell.)
    i should see if i can find a copy of that old letter to KFOG.

    anyway as for adhom attacks better get use to it. the internet was built on em. soon post like this will roll off , like water on a ducks back.

    ALL HAIL Templeton!

  4. Well played sir. A deft handling of an emotional reactionary. Who is this “Sack-of-jaweeuh” anyway? Sounds like they got a 3 on it to me.

    As for Kevin Costner, I couldn’t agree more. He has the dynamic
    range of a dial tone. Who on earth agreed to pay for what has got to be the biggest waste of explosives man has ever approved [Waterworld]? Someone should put him out of our misery . . . I’m just sayin’.

  5. Did I write it?! Ha. Sputter…wha..I..
    If only I could separate myself from my true being so completely to write such reCOCKulous, inane drivel. And I quote “So much a man of incredible character that the chances of him ever behaving as pathetically as this are beyond slim to none.” WTF? Life must be delightfully uncomplicated with such an empty and simple mind.

  6. LOOK DEEPER dear people LOOK DEEPER. Apart from being a poor actor he did some awful things to the Native American Indians he portrayed in ‘Dancing With Wolves’.

    This film made more than $500m worldwide, and Costner, as director, producer and star, took about 10 percent of that sum. And how did he repay the Indians whose culture, language and history he had employed so freely? Did he build a hospital on one of South Dakota’s four reservations? Did he set up a college trust fund to educate underprivileged Indian kids? Did he buy a piece of the Black Hills and give it back to the Sioux, so that they could perform their religious ceremonies there?
    Well, no actually. Despite the unthinkable wealth generated by “Dances”, and the fact that South Dakota’s Indians are, according to the latest US government census, the poorest people in the entire United States, nobody can recall Costner donating so much as a dollar to an Indian cause. Perhaps he thinks they should be grateful that he is investing $100m in the Dunbar resort (where they can apply for minimum- wage jobs, washing dishes and the like). But nobody really knows what he thinks, because Costner refuses to discuss the matter.

    For more, check out – “A five-star hotel and casino. Well thanks, Kevin” by Alix Sharkey

    This is much more important than his looks, the Waterworld silliness, etc.

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