Garbled Transmissions and Rabbit Physics
[ Note: The following fragments were pieced together from heavily encrypted and damaged files received on our secret squirrel microwave comm array. Or else they were transcribed from a collage of scribble on TP squares spitpasted to our ceiling mirror… I forget which.]
“Being Friday night and because we are natural adventurers, the FeldMarshall and I continued our bold exploration of the Beer-Movie Continuum. The beer: Tecate. The movie: Waterworld. It was a “down” night, a night to lay off the mystery alkaloids we found on that dead guy by the railroad tracks, so we only drank 17 beers. We are adventurers to be sure because while we were bandaging………..
Costner where he belongs
“…… Man, Kevin Costner sucks! His blandness inspires only rage in me.. How is it that he has gotten this far with….
“… you know women aren’t idiots and…
“That voice! No timbre, no rise and fall, no emphasis, no inflection, no nothing; It’s like I’m listening to a male robot tell me the time in Esperanto …
“… [ indecipherable profane screaming ] … and be so popular? I don’t get it.”
“Well, he is ‘just like your husband’ except that he is sensitive and he’s in the movies which just automatically makes him hot.” “Oh so he is the height of emotional availability by being a boring retard?” “Yeah, exactly.”
“I think the stunt coordinator wrote the script.”
Competing for our attention was the newest addition to our warehouse menagerie:
Introducing Templeton the rabbit
Not out of focus; he really is that fuzzy.
Since our crawdads died, we have had only 4 cats, 2 ferrets and 1 big silly dog in the warehouse. Fresh blood and another species was needed: enter Templeton the rabbit. With our expert supervision, he was allowed out and about it being a party night and all.
- Templetonian physics: rabbits can’t seem to grasp anything beyond a 4 or 5 foot radius; the boundaries of the universe are defined by the edges of the couch or the pool table or his cage – whatever small dimension to which he is transported and gets to crap all over.
- We really like Templeton.
- We’re gonna get Templeton his own MySpace page. He is furry with an IQ of about 7 so we think he will do quite well in that arena
- During an unguarded moment, Templeton ate half the buttons off the remote.
At first, I thought the FeldMarshall had destroyed them while filing and grinding away on his latest insane arts-and-warcrafts project (Apparently the couch is now one of his workstations.) As a master of improvised technology (see “janktification”), it was quite likely that he had used the remote as a toolrest or grinder brake. But no, it was the rabbit not the roommate. Whoops.
Y’know, Waterworld deserves no further attention. Yup, that’s right, Mr. Costner, you wooden cinematic albatross: you have been aced out by a rabbit.
A small rabbit.
- Parting Shot
“Beauty is in the eye of the reloader.”