Damn Dirty Apes!
or Obsolete Movie Review #2 – All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Planet of The Apes
Man, how can a Saturday afternoon get any better? With the sun shining above, I did a little bike ridin’, watched a killer hockey game at Lawyer Dave’s and I am now enjoying a quesadilla al pastor from La Costa, my favorite taqueria in the whole wide world. Mi comida is sittin’ pretty well as I kick up my feet and turn on the glowie tube. On comes a horrifying commercial for the AARP featuring a Buzzcocks tune (“Love’s an illusion, Life is a dream.”- no joke). Aaaiiiiigh!! Holy Crap! How old am I? What a downer, a downer damn near bordering on psychological warfare…
Planet of the Apes was on!!
Life is good.
At one point I was going to write one of those “About ” pages to accompany the blog; you know, one of those “up close and personal with grouchosuave” pages that would let you know just where I was coming from and who I was. It would be something akin to a centerfolds stats and interests page. Something like this:
grouchosuave, 52-44-42, 6’0″
Libra, Existential Terrorist
Friends say: “Fuck! Who gave groucho thumbs?”
Turn ons: crochet work, Finnish death metal, fisting
Turn offs: phonies, ‘bad hair days,’ cancer
“I like to keep it old school: my safety word is ‘Uncle!’ “
But I never did and now, I don’t think I have to do so. To get to know me, all you really need to know is that I think Planet of the Apes must be THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE. A bold statement I know, but someone has to preach the gospel and I’m shouldering the load so you don’t have to.
You’ve crash landed on another planet and just come out of suspended animation. One of your beloved crew is dead, withered and gross in his capsule. Your spacecraft is leaking heavily and sinking cuz you landed in Lake Havasu. Time for some command decisions dammit! We need someone like Charlton Heston on the scene and -BAM!- there he is… takin’ charge.
I like Charlton Heston a lot… in his proper place, that is – on another planet, preferably a planet of apes. Not so much on this planet.
Our hero fighting The Man, errr… The Ape.
Think about it. Planet of the Apes has it all; existential dilemma, cultural critique, commentaries on ethics, class, science and dogma; a court scene, two love stories, plenty of action and monkeys. Holy Cow.
And for quotability, it’s right up there with Withnail and I, Dr. Strangleove and Office Space. For your consideration:
“Humans can’t write. – Cornelius (no argument here. – ed.)
Blessed be the vegetarians… they seem somewhat human! If this is the best they’ve got, in six months, we’ll be running this planet! – Taylor
You are a menace. A walking pestilence. – Dr. Zaius
You know the saying, “Human see, human do.” – Julius
I think I have demonstrated my position on the subject.
Here’s the twist: It was on the History Channel! I immediately check Wikipedia to see if Planet of the Apes is in fact a record of times past… hrmmm… or perhaps, a cautionary message sent to us from the future! Food for thought: Is Charlton Heston the new Nostradamus, a bearded Cassandra for us all? Must we also consider “Omega Man” as prophetic epistle?
Nova, you preternatural ape-planet hottie.You are mine, mine, MINE!