OMG “Wud u bee my fwend?” LMFAO
or “Listening to Stevie Wonder and Pooping on the Stupid World from On High”
cuz pictures are neat... Chile’s riot version of cracking the fire hydrant
Relax, this isn’t gonna be another one of those godforsaken excuses to show how cool I am and how everything else that isn’t me sucks. I’m speaking, of course, of those endless ‘year in review’ lists: “Well, I write a blog, so of course I am fascinating. And since I have demonstrated my implicit wonderfulness in the podcasting, posting and the selling of my coffemugs and stickers, you are hereby invited to sit through my thoroughly and delusionally self-important “What’s Hot and What’s Not Rap-up of 2006” “. What’s Not = blogs, period.
That said, all I really have for you is a grab bag of snippets and oddball items that have been rolling around in my head. I have to get them out somehow, so
siddown and shut up enjoy some hot coffee while I air out my head.
First some heinousness: some of the words and phrases that that have triggered the “horrified blank stare” and/or a truly fervent wish to be of another species, preferably a mollusk or perhaps a cyborg:
- stepping on a landmine = “traditional victim activation”; actual Orwell-speak from the DOD regarding the reauthorization of landmine production. “What else is there”, you may ask, “when it comes to landmines?” There is “man-in-the-loop” (read ‘Claymore’) where a “bipedal meatbase unit’ (my term) gets to push the button on someone else. “M-I-T-L” will be my landmine of choice if I get close enough to the purveyors of aforementioned insanity.
- imperial invasion = “assymetrical war”; a term too widely used to attribute, but see above for clues as to its initiators. “This isn’t me screaming drunkenly at you in public . This is an ‘assymetrical conversation’. “
- “online social network” = massive circle jerk; “wud u be my fwend? omg, lol, wut a noob. don’t be a hater. ur so hot-NOT” Oh look, “CheeseDoodle69” has 7,397 “friends”. He gets so many hits/diggs/comments/reacharounds that I just want curl up and die or… maybe… I can be as popular as him. Let’s turn the internet into the same meaningless “Wiki-friend-ia” that was high school. Who I still count as a friend is someone who might buy me a beer; trade stories with me; call me on my shit; show up with the shovel, rug and duct tape on a really bad evening; cross the street to piss on me if I am on fire; give a shit; or at the least – occupy physical space. Say, the next time you say “myspace” one too many times at a party and some big asshole calling himself “grouchosuave” walks up, takes your shoe off, and stuffs it into your oh-so-delicate mouth — How are your jumboshrimpcyberfriends gonna help you now?
- “blogosphere”: There, I typed it already… Fuck, I feel like I need a shower. “Hey man !! Let’s go ride bikes!!” “Naw… You should stop calling me and subscribe to my ‘bik3Rider’ podcast.” ‘Nuff said there.
For more info on MySpace beyond its lameness as a social phenomena, link here for the sordid tale of its cynical beginnings.
My “Spirit Guide”
Yoda : Luke Skywalker ~ Cookie Monster : grouchosuave
- Andy Goldsworthy: Rivers and Tides: A documentary on an artist who creates temporary ‘environmental art’; engaging art, cool guy, fascinating process, (but forgive him the few totally loopy moments when he describes “getting past the ‘wooliness’ to get to the essence of ‘sheep’.) torrent link
- Adding cheese to everything:Like adding zombies to a movie, “monkey” to a joke and Jet Li to an ass-whuppin’, adding cheese just works. Don’t doubt it, just do it.
- My physical therapist: For those who don’t know, a year ago I fell a couple stories at work and damn near broke myself in half. Here’s to the woman and about the only person in the whole saga who actually listened to me, helped and gave a shit. Everyone else was an idiot on an assembly line (Kaiser Oakland) including my (ex) boss who still thinks he was the actual victim in the whole affair. Notable exceptions: the podiatry cast technician who was a pro, from top to bottom. He got a kick out of my request for a bright pink cast too (I’m 6’0” and 250 lbs. — hey who is gonna dare to laugh…heh).
- Stephen Colbert for ripping on the whole goddamn room at the Presidents White House Correspondents Dinner. An Invite to the Height of Stale Bullshit = a rubberchicken dinner, Telling The Man to Eat Shit on National TV = priceless.
- Music, Books and Films: gotta restrain myself from becoming the ‘list’ tool I condemned at the top of the post, but let me recommend one of each that I am currently enthused about: Godspeed You Black Emperor, The Proposition, and A User’s Guide to the Milllenium: Essays and Reviews by J. G. Ballard. Link, listen, read or watch …or not. But, those who know will tell you my recommendations don’t come lightly and that I have an extremely low threshold for bullshit (if you haven’t sensed that already… heh.)
Ok… here’s the part where I’m supposed to wish you well and a happy new year and all. Except all that is pretty vacant coming from a blog page… so if you are an actual friend of mine who is reading this, let me wish you the best, in person, while you are buying me a beer.